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Review by The Disgruntled Sock
Army Men: Sarge's Heroes 2
Playstation 2 - 3DO - Action - T - 2 Players
Okay, let's pretend for a second that Army Men games are good. If that was true, this game would still suck. That's just how sucky it is. It harnesses the power of one of the most powerful machines on the market to create a hellish mix of bad graphics, bad controls, and pitiful engine use. I played this game for about three hours trying to figure out why shooting an enemy, who is across the room, will cause them to go into a slow three frame animation, and still manage to kill me before he hits the ground. The cut scenes are equally irritating as they always seem to have someone who is pissed off about something that isn't going on in the game.
What are you starring at?! You're looking at my butt chin aren't you?!
Moving in itself is probably the most annoying part of the game. It's incredibly difficult considering the odd animations used to show movement. Plus, every motion is delayed by about half a second. This alone, while not seeming like a very big deal, is enough to make you want to tie the hair on the designers head to the hair on their ass and kick them down the street. Then there is the massive problem of using your weapons. While they do fire when you press the button, they also seem to be very delayed. I don't know what they where trying to accomplish by doing this. Whether it was intentional or if they just couldn't figure out how to run a program with really bad graphics on a high rate platform, it's annoying.
This explosion might have come from a number of things, but it's really hard to tell when it appears a couple seconds after it's supposed to.
There are points in this game when you might think, "Why is that happening?" Well, the answer is "Who knows?" Truly there is no explanation for a lot that goes on in this game. I actually ran into a tank at one point, physically ran into it, and I didn't die. This might not seem like a severe problem except for the fact that the tank itself died. If that's how it works, put me on the battlefield, 'cause I'm ready to walk into a few tanks. However, not every tank did this, just that one. Possible in this world, if you surprise a tank you will destroy it with a kick to the nuts.
No you're not seeing things, that's a toy race car sitting on the right. The game transfers between the small world and the big world with no rhyme or reason.
Really, if you feel the need to play a game of this nature you'll want to simply go to the park and see how many times you can touch your nose before someone mugs you. It will be irritating, it will take a long time and eventually you'll get tired or hungry and forget why you were touching your nose in the first place. That's about the same effect you'll get from this game, so have fun!
Slow frame rate deaths are the work of a bad game engine, not your system.
- Graphically this game is just plain off. The models seem to be the same ones they used in the old, regular Playstation versions, which weren't that good to begin with.
3.0
-- The sound effects are painful to listen to, and usually they don't match up with what is happening on the screen.
3.0
-- Everything is just off during gameplay. All movements and actions are delayed roughly half a second to a full second or even two. Occasionally, it can get so bad you will die unexpectedly after the battle is even over.
1.0
-- Well, it's the exact same thing they've been making for ten years.  So 10 on originality guys! Oh wait, move that decimal to the left one.
1.0
-- Anyone who can stand playing this game for more than a few hours should be commended for bravery. I was afraid my brain would melt.
2.0
-- Army Men games are just like Long John Silvers. They aren't good for your health and no one really enjoys them, but they'll still be around forever.
2.0
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